Journey with me through a magical world (Chapter 22 | Book 2)
The 23rd excerpt (including prologue) from "Do You Believe in Monsters?"
Every Friday, I’ll send you the opening paragraphs from a chapter of Do You Believe in Monsters?. Then I’ll break down the excerpt with comments about context, themes, and conflict. Finally, I’ll include writing tips.
DARK CIRCLES (teen fantasy adventure series)
Book 1: Do You Believe in Magic? (debuted May 25)
Book 2: Do You Believe in Monsters? (debuted Oct. 30)
Book 3: Do You Believe in Miracles? (debuts April 21, 2024; preorder for 99 cents through April 20)
Though my series is appropriate for ages 13 and older, I’m finding that readers younger than 13—and many who are a lot older than 13—are enjoying it.
Here is a brief synopsis of book 2: When Charlie Magus enters a fantastical world hidden deep in the forest, his life is turned upside down. The timid 13-year-old transforms into a powerful wizard wielding formidable powers.
Below are the opening paragraphs of Chapter 22 of book 2. My author’s breakdown follows this short segment.
Context: The enemy attacks.
CHAPTER 22 | THE ICE BRIDGE
They all needed a break.
Zola lay on a cot in a room shared by Charlie, Virgil, and Garrick. Blue and Killer rested near the door. Zola was on one side of the room, the boys on the other. In the middle of the room, Mal-Tal stood guard. If the Niddukk attempted to assault them in their sleep, Mal-Tal would protect them. Or at least do their best.
Zola seemed to be the only one who couldn’t sleep, which annoyed her because she was exhausted.
A small face appeared in front of her. It was Tali. Apparently, she and Malina had separated. The woman placed her tiny hand upon Zola’s shoulder.
“What troubles you, Mistress Zola?”
“I want to sleep, but I can’t turn off my thoughts,” Zola whispered to her friend. “It seems like boys can sleep through anything. Me, not so much.”
Tali giggled softly. “The Dvi’s version of sleep is to turn off our thoughts and stand in silence. But even among our kind, the men are better at doing this than the women. We worry too much, I suppose.”
This made Zola cry. “I am worried. About Charlie. About me. About all of us. I don’t want to die. I want to live a long life. How did this happen to us? Why did it happen?”
Tali stroked her hair. “Some live ordinary lives. Others are fated to live extraordinary ones. But now is not the time to dwell on this. I can help you sleep if you so desire.”
“I do,” Zola said.
Tali moved her face only a couple of inches from Zola’s and breathed a perfumy mist into her mouth. Zola’s eyes closed. Finally she slept.
When she woke, the room was empty. Zola bolted upright, confused and frightened. What was happening? Was the war already over and she the only survivor? Why had Charlie abandoned her? She was groggy.
A basin stood on a small table at the far end of the room. Zola splashed water on her face. Then she heard a scratching sound at the room’s lone door. Was it a monster come to finish her? If so, it didn’t sound threatening.
She opened the door. The giant-sized version of Blue charged in and licked her face. It was like she had wandered into an automated car wash.
“Blue, stop. Stop!” She couldn’t help but laugh.
Blue yipped and beckoned for her to follow. Her mouth tasted terrible. She noticed a cup of water on another table. She sniffed it, then drank it all. It wasn’t as good as brushing her teeth, but it was better than nothing.
Something shoved her from behind and almost lifted her off her feet. It was Blue, using his huge snout to push her forward. Zola laughed again.
“Okay, okay! I get the point, dude. Lead the way.” She stopped for a second, then gasped. Killer stood in the doorway. But it was obvious he was as happy to see her as Blue was. It amazed her how good-natured Gord’s dog had become. She had watched TV shows about dogs that had been abused by their owners and turned out to be the nicest dogs in the world if their new masters treated them with kindness and respect. Killer was one of those dogs. It made her happy.
When she entered the hallway, Lingika greeted her. “Come, Mistress Zola. The others await you on the wall.” She handed Zola what looked like a sausage biscuit from a fast-food restaurant. Zola bit into it. Whatever it was, it tasted delicious.
Lingika led her up a short flight of stairs and through a door into blinding sunlight. It was morning in Pacchann. It was still less than a day since she had arrived in Shima-Shi, which meant less than 45 minutes in Lowery time. Not that she had to worry. Poppy and Mawmaw were taking care of those details. She could remain in Pacchann for weeks before her dad might fret. By then, she’d either be dead or celebrating a magnificent victory. The former was more likely. But on this sunny morning, the latter seemed possible.
Someone behind her shook her shoulder. She found it annoying. “Stop it. I’m awake.”
Whoever it was shook her shoulder even harder. She opened her eyes. It was pitch black except for the flame of a single candle. The air smelled like smoke. She heard strange noises.
“Wake up, Zola!” It was Virgil, annoying as ever. “Bad things are happening.”
It finally dawned on Zola that she had been dreaming. The bright sunlight had been an illusion. So had Tali, Blue, and Lingika. Who knew when there would ever be sunlight again? Or joy of any kind?
“Am I still dreaming?” Zola said to Virgil.
“YESSSS!!!” he snarled. His mouth opened wide, exposing glistening fangs.
She screamed. “Helllllp!!!!”
Open your eyes, Mistress Zola!
She did. Mal-Tal knelt in front of her.
“The Niddukk entered your dreams,” Mal-Tal said. “We have woken you just in time.”
“Where am I?”
“You are in Shima-Shi. The others have already left the chamber. You were the last to fall asleep and the last to wake up.”
“I dreamed I was already awake. What time is it?”
“Early morning.”
“Has the sun risen yet?”
“The sun has risen but smoke and clouds obscure it. There is no cheerfulness on this day.”
End of excerpt.
Themes: Disaster; dread; courage.
Between the lines: Readers and writers form a relationship based on trust. The reader trusts the writer to deliver. The writer trusts the reader to plow through to the last page. But sometimes, writers can intentionally foment distrust. The excerpt above is an example of this. This technique, though sometimes risky, creates a lot of tension. Keep in mind that if you choose to break trust, do it briefly and earn it back as quickly as you can.
Writing tips: When a reader describes an author’s writing as being visual, it can mean different things to different people. Regardless, the goal is to put pictures into your readers’ heads without them realizing you’re doing it. But how do writers achieve this? There are a variety of methods. Here are a couple that stand out to me:
Write it like you’re making a movie
Movies are unparalleled in their ability to produce visual imagery that includes movement. Great visual writers like Stephen King are fully aware of this and often use the same kinds of tricks that movie crews use.
How can writers go about doing this? Here’s a suggestion: Take a five-minute clip of a favorite movie and try to recreate it with words. This kind of exercise works wonders.
Use words that appeal to readers’ senses
Sight (crooked, colorful, crowded).
Sound (bubbling, buzzing, deafening).
Smell (rotten, flowery, fishy).
Touch (slippery, icy, prickly).
Taste (buttery, creamy, tangy).
Movement (flapping, gurgling, flickering).
Here’s an example from King’s terrific novel Salem’s Lot (1975):
“Mark Petrie turned over in bed and looked through the window and Danny Glick was staring in at him through the glass, his skin grave-pale, his eyes reddish and feral. Some dark substance was smeared about his lips and chin, and when he saw Mark looking at him, he smiled and showed teeth grown hideously long and sharp. “'Let me in,” the voice whispered, and Mark was not sure if the words had crossed dark air or were only in his mind.”
The value of verbs
Verbs like stride, thrust, slide, stare, stagger, tumble, and blast all create instant visuals in your readers’ minds. A Thesaurus is your friend.
Show don’t tell
This one goes without saying and has been pounded into writers’ heads since time immemorial. Frankly, I’m a little sick of hearing it. But I have to admit that when it comes to visual writing, it is undeniably crucial.
Here’s an example from a paragraph found later in Chapter 22 of Do You Believe in Monsters?:
“The ice bridge was complete. Monsters thundered across it. At the same time, vampires and other flying creatures descended upon them. Azura cried out. Magic spurted from his staff and launched into the sky. The rest of the monks linked their power to Azura’s, and the shield sprang to life. Black forms crashed against it from above, but they could not break through it.”
Finally, don’t be intimidated by the process
Here’s a tip you’ve probably heard before from many authors. When you’re crafting a fast-paced scene, write slowly. And when you’re crafting a slow-paced scene, write quickly. I would add that when it comes to visual writing, take whatever time you need to get it right.
I’ll close with this quote by novelist E.L. Doctorow:
“Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”
Past episodes of Book 2 (Do You Believe in Monsters?)
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21
Past episodes of Book 1 (Do You Believe in Magic?)
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Epilogue
Promotional notes
Hi everyone!
I wrote the first words of Do You Believe in Magic? in February 2023. Fourteen months later, the epic saga is complete. The paperback and ebooks versions of Do You Believe in Miracles? make their debut on Sunday, April 21!
Dark Circles is a teen fantasy adventure series appropriate for ages 13 and older, though readers as young as 10 and as old as 80 have told me they loved it—sort of like the Harry Potter series.
I’m celebrating the debut of Book 3 by making the ebook versions of Do You Believe in Magic? and Do You Believe in Monsters? free on April 21-25.
DARK CIRCLES (teen fantasy adventure series)
Book 1: Do You Believe in Magic? (debuted May 25, 2023)
Book 2: Do You Believe in Monsters? (debuted Oct. 30, 2023)
Book 3: Do You Believe in Miracles? (debuts April 21, 2024)
Now is the perfect time to purchase this heartfelt coming of age series, which has won multiple awards.
First-place winner in the Firebird Book Award contest in Fantasy.
First-place winner in Firebird in Coming of Age.
Second-place winner in Firebird in Action and Adventure.
Gold winner in the International Impact Book Awards contest in Fantasy.
Gold winner of the Literary Titan Book Award in Fantasy.
Gold winner of The Bookfest Award contest in Teen Action and Adventure.
Silver winner in Bookfest in Fantasy Series.
All four contests showcase books that exhibit exceptional storytelling and creativity. The recipients are writers who excel in their ability to blend imagination with literary skill, creating worlds that enchant and narratives that linger long after the final page is turned.
All told, more than 8,500 copies of books 1 and 2 have been purchased, with an additional 45,000 pages read on Kindle Edition Normalized Pages (KENP). Like all self-published authors, I’m still hoping for more ratings and reviews.