Journey with me through a magical world (Chapter 9 | Book 2)
The tenth excerpt from "Do You Believe in Monsters?"
Every Friday, I will send you the opening paragraphs from a chapter of Do You Believe in Monsters?. Then I’ll break down the excerpt with comments about context, themes, and conflict. Finally, I’ll include writing tips.
In mid-October, I finished book 1 with an excerpt from its Epilogue. I have now restarted the process with book 2, starting with the Prologue. Last week, I featured Chapter 8.
DARK CIRCLES (teen fantasy adventure series)
Book 1: Do You Believe in Magic? (debuted May 25)
Book 2: Do You Believe in Monsters? (debuted Oct. 30)
Book 3: Do You Believe in Miracles? (coming March 2024)
Though both books are appropriate for ages 13 and older, I’m finding that readers younger than 13—and many who are a lot older than 13—are enjoying my series.
Here is a brief synopsis from book 2: When Charlie Magus enters a fantastical world hidden deep in the forest, his life is turned upside down. The timid 13-year-old transforms into a powerful wizard wielding formidable powers.
Below are the opening paragraphs of Chapter 9 of book 2. My author’s breakdown follows this short segment.
Context: Charlie, Zola, and Virgil are back in the fantasy world facing a slew of new adventures. A disturbing memory haunts Zola.
CHAPTER 9 | THE DVI
They breathed a sigh of relief.
Mal-Tal and the Dvi (pronounced DEE-vee) escorted Zola and her friends to safety. When they approached a wall of pampas, it magically separated and provided enough room for them to walk five abreast. Ud continued to carry Garrick, who was still extremely weak.
The company walked for what seemed like miles, passing between dense stands of pampas and small open areas of yellow flowers. It was now late afternoon. No one seemed interested in talking, so Zola became lost in her thoughts.
She stood on the trail waiting for Charlie and Virgil to return when a thick hand closed over her throat.
“I’m holding a knife. A sharp knife. If you so much as whimper, you’re dead.”
It was Gord.
“You and I are going to take a shortcut to the waterfall, go inside the cave, and wait for your buddies to show up. If all of you behave, I won’t hurt you. Do you understand, Zola? Believe it or not, I don’t want to hurt you. But I will if I have to.”
“I won’t cause any trouble.”
“That’s the spirit! In just a few minutes this will be over and we can go on with our lives.”
Gord wasn’t just bragging about a shortcut. She had no idea how he had found it, but it led them directly to the base of the waterfall. As they were about to enter the cave, Zola heard someone shout. She thought it might be Charlie or Virgil, but instead it was Garrick.
“Gord! Let her go. Take me instead. I won’t fight you. It’s me you want, not her.”
Garrick’s appearance stunned Gord at first. But then he laughed again, this time as loud as he wanted.
“Lord Gar, you could not be more wrong. I’m not interested in you. It’s Zola and her other friends I care about.”
Gord lifted her up with surprising ease and sprang into the cave. He clasped a hand over her mouth and backed up toward the glowing portal. A mangy pitbull was also there. And it growled at Zola.
Garrick leaped in after them.
“I can’t let you hurt Zola, Charlie, and Virgil. Come on, Gord. They’re just kids. They’re different from you and me. Let her go and I’ll do whatever you say.”
Gord raised the knife in his free hand. “You’ll do whatever I say whether or not I let her go.”
“Gord, if you harm her, I’ll kill you.”
“Blah-blah-blah. As Virgie likes to say, you and whose army?”
Speaking of Virgie, another person entered the cave. Virgil rose to his feet and froze.
“What’s going on?” he said to Garrick.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Gord said.
Garrick chose the momentary diversion to rush at Gord. But the distance was too great and the stone too slippery. He lost his footing, fell forward, and then rose to his knees. Gord aimed the black knife at Garrick and blasted him with crimson fire, striking Garrick in the face and knocking him onto his side.
That’s when Charlie entered the cave.
“Zola, are you okay?”
“Huh?”
“Are you okay?”
It was Charlie, walking beside her.
“Sorry. Yeah, I’m okay. I was just thinking back to what happened with Gord. I’ll have to tell you about it sometime.”
End of excerpt.
Themes: Survival; escape; rescue.
Between the lines: Some readers enjoy stories that make heavy use of flashbacks while others prefer stories that rarely stray from the linear narrative. In my current teen fantasy adventure series, I have kept flashbacks to a minimum. But I have used a few short ones as you can see in today’s excerpt. One thing to keep in mind: Flashbacks should contain one or more salient points that foreshadow important events in the main storyline. Don’t use them just for show.
Writing tips: Over the course of several books and a thousand pages or more, fantasy authors will juggle multiple characters, plot lines, plot points, and settings—so many, in fact, that it can become difficult to keep track of everything.
My current series has several major characters but more than thirty minor ones, each of whom has a name and a role to play. Since I only write about five to seven pages a day, it can be easy to become overly focused on what is going on at the moment while neglecting the grand scheme. For instance, the knife mentioned in today’s excerpt will end up playing a critical role in my series’ climactic outcome. Therefore, I have had to find places here and there to subtly remind the reader of its existence.
Everyone has their own ways of keeping track. Stephen Donaldson, author of The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant and other great works, once wrote that his desk is covered with hand-scribbled notes. (I think we all can relate!) I use a plotting software to help me keep track. The note feature is especially helpful. On one note, I keep an ongoing list of my characters and add new ones when they come along. On another note, I keep track of plot points such as the aforementioned knife. On still another, I maintain and update a detailed timeline of events.
Even then, I find myself thinking, “I haven’t mentioned Character J in fifty pages.” So I go back and find places to give Character J quick cameos.
In the end, nobody’s perfect. The best of us will miss a few things. But it’s worth the effort to do your best to hold the misses to a minimum.
Do any of you have tricks up your sleeves that you could share?
Past episodes of Book 2 (Do You Believe in Monsters?)
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8
Past episodes of Book 1 (Do You Believe in Magic?)
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Epilogue
Promotional notes
If you want another epic fantasy book to add to your TBR pile, you can enter to win my book, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MONSTERS?, on @BookSweeps today — plus 30 exciting Epic, Sword and Sorcery Fantasy novels from a great collection of authors... AND a brand new eReader :D
Here’s the link 👉 https://bit.ly/epic-fantasy-jan24
Do You Believe in Magic? was recently named November Book of the Month in BEST FANTASY by Many Books, a popular promotional site that was founded in 2004.
The ebook and paperback versions of books 1 and 2 can be purchased at this link.
As of Jan. 11, I’ve written almost 87,000 words of the first draft of book 3 titled Do You Believe in Miracles?. I was aiming for a late February release, but realistically it will be closer to late March. Book 3 is coming along beautifully, but it is testing my mettle.
All told, more than 7,800 copies of books 1 and 2 have been purchased, with more than 33,000 pages read on Kindle Edition Normalized Pages (KENP). Like all self-published authors, I’m still hoping for more ratings and reviews.
Thanks again, Daniel! You're definitely one of the good ones on Substack! 😀
So, I’m finally nearly finished Dune (thankfully 😁) so I can’t wait to get started on this, Jim
Didn’t know that about Donaldson but its an interesting process. I just look at the blank page and hope for inspiration! 😆
Then again my stories are nice and short so it’s far easier 🤔
Thanks again for the excerpt and advice, Jim 👍🏼