Journey with me through a magical world (Chapter 16)
Another excerpt from my teen fantasy adventure 'Do You Believe in Magic?'
Every Friday, I’ll send you the opening paragraphs from a chapter of my latest novel Do You Believe in Magic?. Then I’ll break down the excerpt with comments about context, themes, and conflict. Finally, I’ll include writing tips.
Last week, I published a segment from Chapter 15. Today, I’ll continue with Chapter 16.
Do You Believe in Magic? is book 1 of a teen fantasy adventure series titled Dark Circles. Though it is appropriate for ages 13 and older, I’m finding that readers younger than 13 are enjoying it too. But I believe adults will like this exciting adventure as much as teens.
Here is a brief synopsis: A grieving boy moves to his grandparents' farm in Upstate South Carolina where he rediscovers his passion for life in a magical world hidden deep in the forest.
Below are the opening paragraphs of Chapter 16. My author’s breakdown follows this short segment.
Context: In Chapter 15, Charlie and his friends enter Shima-Shi and receive a hero’s welcome. In Chapter 16, Charlie learns about a girl who has been put into a magical trance by an evil being.
CHAPTER 16 — The sister awakens
Sahoota looked shaken.
“There is a need for you to understand why Lord Gar is so troubled,” he said to Charlie. “Appearances can deceive, in more ways than one. For example, Azura and I look similar, correct? But in reality, I am not as old as I look and he is not as young as he looks. Azura has lived for two centuries. But I have barely lived more than a single score of years. And my sister is younger than I. She is close to Lord Gar’s age.”
“Hold on,” Zola said. “You’re saying you’re 20 years old and Azura is 200 years old?”
“Yes,” Sahoota said, “and Azura shall live much longer than that, assuming the Niddukk doesn’t kill him first.”
Azura remained quiet.
But Virgil didn’t. “Who cares?” he blurted. “That makes Azura … what? … eight and a half years old in our world?”
“Virgil, where do you come up with this stuff?” Zola said.
“I’m good at math, Zola.”
Charlie shushed them. He turned his focus back to Sahoota. “Tell us more about your sister.”
Sahoota paused as if considering whether to answer. Then he said, in almost a whisper: “Her name is Kati.” He pronounced it CAW-tee. “She is 13 years old, at least in Pacchann years. Lord Gar likes to call her Kate.” He pronounced this KAYT. “She was younger than Lord Gar when he first started coming here, but because she is of Pacchann and he is of Lowery, she aged faster. As they grew nearer in age, they became—how do you say it?—boyfriend and girlfriend. They are too young to be married, but not too young to be in love.”
Virgil interrupted. “Won’t she end up much older than Garrick because of how fast she ages compared to him?”
“We are uncertain,” Sahoota said. “But we believe if the Niddukk is defeated and Lord Gar can then remain in Pacchann permanently, he will age the same as she.”
Virgil’s question was interesting, but Charlie remained determined to learn more about Kati.
“What happened to your sister?”
Sahoota answered haltingly as if the words themselves were painful. “The Niddukk came upon her in her sleep. And he did something to her. We’re not sure—”
Azura interrupted. “Sahoota’s parents were the greatest of the Yati. For this reason alone, the Niddukk despised them. But destroying them wasn’t enough. The beast also sought to destroy their family. We made the mistake of not watching Kati closely enough, and we paid for our carelessness. But instead of killing her, the Niddukk—as your language would describe it—cast a spell on her. Lord Gar calls it a ‘coma.’ She does not eat or drink, yet her body does not age or wither. It is as if she has been frozen in ice. Nothing we have tried awakens her. She is alive and dead at the same time. This torments Lord Gar to the point of madness. And Sahoota, of course, has already lost his parents. To also lose his sister is unbearable.”
“We learned too late that my parents went alone on a quest to destroy the portals the Niddukk uses to transport his evil minions into our world,” Sahoota explained. “They told no one—not even me. They believed themselves powerful enough to succeed on their own.”
One of the three female monks spoke up. “They were wrong. The Yati are not helpless. We could have joined our strength to theirs.”
Charlie watched to see if this made Sahoota angry, but the young monk surprised him by saying, “You speak the truth. My parents were wrong.”
End of excerpt.
Themes: Evil enchantment; the pitfalls of pride; rescue and redemption.
Between the lines: What is the difference between being in a trance or being in a coma? If you google it, you’ll find that a trance is a dazed or unconscious state while a coma is a state of sleep usually induced by trauma. The question becomes, can one or the other become a learning experience? In my series, a girl is in a trance, which renders her helpless and immobile. But while in the trance, she learns things that are vital to the series’ eventual outcome.
Writing tips: When juggling multiple characters, at what point can an author feel comfortable using only a character’s name to identify him or her as opposed to continually slipping in qualifiers? For instance, the character named Sahoota in the scene above is mentioned many times in books 1 and 2. But that doesn’t mean the average reader will remember him.
Charlie watched to see if this made Sahoota angry, but the young monk surprised him by saying, “You speak the truth. My parents were wrong.”
By choice, I continued to use qualifiers such as “the young monk.” (Bold above.) Can this be overdone? Underdone?
When pondering this, I put myself in a reader’s shoes. I’ve read a lot of novels and series where I was unsure about a character’s identity, and I admit it can have a negative effect on my reading experience. Therefore, it’s my opinion that qualifiers should play an active role throughout. Qualifiers can be subtle. They can be smooth. But they should be there.
BOOK 2 IS NOW AVAILABLE ON PREORDER!
I’d like to offer you a deal so good it’s scary!
Just in time for Halloween, the ebook version of Do You Believe in Monsters? is now available for preorder at the discounted price of only 99 cents. The ebook will go live on Oct. 30 and will remain discounted through Nov. 3.
The paperback, which is already live, will be discounted at $9.99 through Nov. 3.
Meanwhile, you can also buy book 1 of the series at a discount on Oct. 30-Nov. 3. The ebook version of Do You Believe in Magic? will be free, while the paperback version will be discounted at $8.99.
The series is appropriate for readers 13 and older, but adults are enjoying it as much as young teens. Huge thanks to everyone who has read book 1 thus far!
DARK CIRCLES (teen fantasy adventure series)
Book 1: Do You Believe in Magic? (debuted May 25)
Book 2: Do You Believe in Monsters? (preorder starting Oct. 16; live Oct. 30)
Book 3: Do You Believe in Miracles? (coming February 2024)
Past episodes of Book 1 (Do You Believe in Magic?)
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15