Journey with me through a magical world (Chapter 5)
Another excerpt from my middle grade fantasy adventure "Do You Believe in Magic?"
Every Friday, I’m going to send you the opening paragraphs from a chapter of my latest novel Do You Believe in Magic?. Then I’ll break down the excerpt with comments about context, themes, and conflict. Finally, I’ll include writing tips.
Last week, I published a segment from Chapter 4. Today, I’ll continue with Chapter 5.
Do You Believe in Magic? is book 1 of a middle-grade portal/epic fantasy series titled Dark Circles. Though it is appropriate for ages 13 and older, I’m finding that readers younger than 13 are enjoying it too. But I believe adults will like this exciting adventure as much as teens.
Here is a brief synopsis: A grieving boy moves to his grandparents' farm in Upstate South Carolina where he rediscovers his passion for life in a magical world hidden deep in the forest.
Below are the opening paragraphs of Chapter 5. My author’s breakdown follows this short segment.
CHAPTER 5 — WALK IN THE PARK
Saturday arrived.
Charlie slept until almost 11 before getting up and taking a shower. He then started downstairs to see about lunch. He was far too late for breakfast.
On the way down, he overheard his grandparents and mom talking in the kitchen. He paused outside the doorway and eavesdropped.
Mary: “So, Dad. Tell me about your doctor’s visit.”
Poppy: “What’s there to tell?”
Mary: “How did the test results turn out?”
Poppy: “Tests?”
Mary: “Dad, come on! Your blood pressure, your cholesterol.”
Poppy: “Oh, that.” A long pause. “Do you remember what it was, Mawmaw?”
Mawmaw: “I saved the papers. Let me get them.”
A period of silence, then:
Mawmaw: “Let me see … hmmm … oh, here it is. Blood pressure: 118 over 76. Cholesterol: 176. Resting heart rate: 68.”
More silence.
Mary: “Mom, come on. Quit kidding around.”
Mawmaw: “I’m not kidding. Look for yourself.”
Papers shuffling.
Mary: “Dad, this is unbelievable. I mean, the way you eat. And you still smoke cigars. How is this possible?”
Poppy: “There’s nothing wrong with a good cigar now and then.”
Mary: “Dad!”
Mawmaw: “Dear, I’ve found mine too. I had a checkup about two months ago. Here … blood pressure: 125 over 75. Cholesterol: 170. Resting heart rate: 75.”
Mary: “Let me see that.”
Silence.
Mary: “Mom, I don’t understand. I eat healthier than either of you. I don’t smoke. I exercise—or at least I used to. And I certainly have your genes. But my blood pressure has been hovering borderline high and my cholesterol is up near 190.”
Mawmaw: “We know what your problem is.”
Mary: “What?”
Mawmaw: “It’s the stress, dear. Up here in Lowery, things are calmer. This is a magical place.”
Mary: “Mom, no offense, but—”
Mawmaw: “I’m fat?”
Mary: “I’m not saying that.”
Poppy: “You’re big-boned.”
Poppy and Mawmaw laughing.
Mary: “Mom … Dad … I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be rude. I’m asking you this because I care about you.”
Mawmaw: “We care about you too, dear.”
Poppy: “Sure do.”
Mary: “Whew! I’m so happy you’re both doing so well.”
Poppy: “Good. Now, can we quit talking about it? You’re making me nervous with all your questions.”
More silence.
Mawmaw: “Mary, are you okay?”
Mary: “Mom … yes.”
Mary crying a little.
Mawmaw: “Dear, you take life too seriously.”
Poppy: “I second that.”
Mary: “I suppose.”
Charlie counted to ten before entering the kitchen. His mom was dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Poppy and Mawmaw looked at him and smiled with genuine pleasure.
“Our sleepyhead has decided to get out of bed after all,” Poppy said.
“Sleep’s good for a growing boy,” Mawmaw said.
“Then he should be ten feet tall by Christmas,” Poppy said.
This made his mom quit crying and laugh instead.
Charlie ate a big lunch: cheeseburger, potato salad, deviled eggs, and a chocolate chip cookie for dessert. Afterward, he remained seated in his chair at the kitchen table, barely able to move. The adults stared at him as if surmising if he had grown another foot already.
Charlie believed they were attempting to read his mind. He loved them for caring and knew they were worried about his first days at Lowery Middle. He chose that moment to spring the question. “Is it okay if Blue and I go to that little park off Poplar? I’d like to meet some friends there today.”
End of excerpt ……………
Context: Charlie has made two friends at his new school: a girl named Zola and a boy named Virgil. Charlie and his dog Blue meet his friends on a Saturday morning at a nearby park to hang out. But trouble awaits in the form of the town’s most notorious bully.
Themes: Bullying; inner courage; how stress affects health; exploring the unknown.
Between the lines: I’m a big fan of third-person-limited POV. I could write an entire post about this POV. One thing I love about it is it enables me to introduce mystery to the reader by first introducing mystery to my POV character. The excerpt above is told through the POV of Charlie, who overhears his mother discussing his grandfather and grandmother’s health. Both appear to be extremely healthy when their age and lifestyle habits should have created the opposite result. This contributes to the otherworldliness that flows throughout the narrative. I use this technique on many different levels. And I hone it during the revision process.
Writing tips: Today I’m going to talk briefly about book-writing software. I’m certainly no expert, but I’ve done my share of research and have chosen to use one. (I’m not going to say which one because it might sound like I’m promoting it.)
The question some writers ask is whether book-writing software improves your work. My answer is yes—to a small degree. Last week, I went into detail about my revision process, but I accidentally left out that I use book-writing software during my all-important second revision. Here’s what I said last week:
Second revision: This is the draft of all drafts. I analyze every single sentence. Do I keep it? Delete it? Rewrite it? Embellish it? This revision takes the longest of all (not including the first draft) and does the most toward making my book as good as it can be. Level of difficulty: 9.5
What I should have added is that once I’ve completed this revision, I then run it through the software. I end up ignoring about 90 percent of what the software highlights, but about 10 percent comes in handy.
Here’s an example:
The software suggested I make these two simple changes:
“I thought Dad wouldn’t let the police on your property …”
“Apparently, they got a warrant …”
Granted, these are small things created by sloppiness on my part—and it’s likely I would have made these changes on my own during subsequent revisions—but I still found it helpful. Over the course of a long novel, these things add up.
I’m curious: Do most of you use book-writing software? If so, do you have it activated all the time? Or do you only use it here and there like me?
Previous segments: Prologue. Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4.
More about the series: Speaking of the second revision, I am in the middle of the second revision of Book 2 (Do You Believe in Monsters?)
Promotional note: Do You Believe in Magic? is currently on promotion. The ebook has been discounted to $1.99. The paperback has been discounted to $9.99.
What a nice thing to say! That particular stretch of dialogue flowed without needing any polishing. But I definitely have stretches where my dialogue needs work. I have a tendency to get too formal.
Really enjoyed the dialogue in this weeks segment, Jim. I know it isn’t easy, but you make it flow so effortlessly. It’s something that I always struggled with. Is that something you polish in the edits or have you just got a good ear?