Journey with me through a magical world (Chapter 15 | Book 2)

The 16th excerpt (including prologue) from "Do You Believe in Monsters?"

Mar 01, 2024

Every Friday, I’ll send you the opening paragraphs from a chapter of Do You Believe in Monsters?. Then I’ll break down the excerpt with comments about context, themes, and conflict. Finally, I’ll include writing tips.

DARK CIRCLES (teen fantasy adventure series)
Book 1: Do You Believe in Magic? (debuted May 25)
Book 2: Do You Believe in Monsters? (debuted Oct. 30)
Book 3: Do You Believe in Miracles? (coming April 2024)

Though both books are appropriate for ages 13 and older, I’m finding that readers younger than 13—and many who are a lot older than 13—are enjoying my series.

Here is a brief synopsis of book 2: When Charlie Magus enters a fantastical world hidden deep in the forest, his life is turned upside down. The timid 13-year-old transforms into a powerful wizard wielding formidable powers.

Below are the opening paragraphs of Chapter 15 of book 2. My author’s breakdown follows this short segment.

Context: Gord makes a return visit to his evil master.

CHAPTER 15 | GORD THE GREAT
Gord had no idea where he was.
There was a loud noise somewhere up ahead, and it appeared to have no intention of quieting down. The left side of his face pressed against something hard. Was he lying in the middle of a noisy road?
It took him a while to even rise to his knees. The road was lumpy. How could a car drive over this and not get a flat tire? And what the heck was that noise?
At first, all he could see was misty darkness splattered with sparkly colors. A wave of dizziness overcame him, and he almost fell back on his face. But he caught himself with his arms.
I’ve got to stand up and get off this road before a trucker mows me down.
He struggled to his feet. The road was darn slippery. Had it just rained? That would make it even more dangerous if a truck showed up.
It was raining so hard he couldn’t even see through it. It was the heaviest rain in history. Like ten inches an hour kind of rain. But it wasn’t raining beside or behind him, only in front. He staggered through the rain, slipped, and fell into a pool at least three feet deep. My gawd, the entire road was flooding. He stood up shakily and looked at the sky. Rain continued to fall, pounding his face, but at least this was a more normal rain.
Where was he? And how had he gotten here? Something burned on his forehead. He reached up and touched slickness. He looked at his hand. His fingers were momentarily red, but the rain washed it off.
He sloshed out of the deep puddle to drier ground. The rain made it difficult to concentrate. Plus, his head hurt bad—like migraine-headache bad.
At least he was out of the road. Now he was walking up a slippery mountain path. He almost fell several times but somehow kept his footing. He finally reached the top where could see a forest in the distance. Maybe going there wasn’t a good idea. Maybe he should try to find the road again and flag down a car. Maybe he should puke.
He did. Several times.
Now he was in the woods. The path, if you could call it a path, was choked with roots and barbwire-like vines. He was probably headed into a vast wilderness where he would die of starvation. At least he wouldn’t die of thirst. Or from being run over by a truck.
A glowing ring appeared before him, as unreal as everything else. He tried to walk around it but found he could not. The ring drew him toward it. And then into it.
This was the end of his life. A truck had hit him, and he was now walking into hell to get his comeuppance.
He fell onto another road. No, not a road. Hard rock. His knees sent out flares of pain that further intensified his headache. When he rose and looked around, everything was still blurry. But it was no longer dark. And there was no more rain. He was in a room. Had he walked into someone’s house? Or cabin?
No, this was a cave. A hot, dry cave. Could a black bear be living here?
Then a bear was in front of him. It was black—and huge. But it could also talk.
“Gord the Great,” a baritone voice growled at him. “Have you come to report on your triumphs?”
“Are you going to eat me?” Gord whimpered.
“Eat you? That is not my current plan. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I don’t know where I am. I’m not even sure who I am.”
The bear raised his massive paw and gestured toward something. Another bear—with horns sticking out of its head—stomped toward him. Gord was about to be eaten for sure.
But the bear didn’t eat him. Instead, it placed its paw on the top of his head. There was a flash of light. Another. Another. And the room cleared. Standing in front of him was the Niddukk, his master. And to his right was the Kuutar.
Gord became fully conscious—only now he wished he wasn’t. Having a concussion was better than being wide awake and knowing the truth: that he had failed the Niddukk and was about to pay a price few mortals could imagine in their worst nightmares.
“Are you afraid?” the Niddukk said.
“Yes, my liege.”
“Why are you afraid?”
“Because I failed you, my liege.”
End of excerpt.

Themes: Delusion; fear; helplessness.

Between the lines: It’s not a good idea for writers to confuse their readers unless they purposely want to confuse them. For instance, if a character is delirious, then the scene can be written that way, sending the reader into a temporary state of delirium.

Writing tips: I have enjoyed a ton of books and series that juggle multiple characters. This is one of the hallmarks of epic fantasy. But quite often while reading someone else’s work, I get lost and forget who some of the characters are.

From the reader’s point of view, this can become distracting.

As a writer, are there ways to avoid this? Or is it inevitable given our current attention spans? The answer to is probably yes.

Here are three ways to combat this:

The most obvious is to insert subtle reminders throughout the narrative. “Linda walked down the road” becomes “Tom’s wife Linda walked down the road.” Of course, these reminders come with their own risks. Some readers might not find them to be subtle at all, as in “I already know that Linda is Tom’s wife!” So there’s a fine line between underdoing and overdoing.
Another way is to create an appendix. That way, if the reader forgets who Linda is, he or she can whip back to the appendix and voilà! (As a reader, I personally love appendices. Others could not care less about them.)
The third way is more complex but can add richness to your work. A writer can use point of view to prioritize his or her characters. For instance, Dark Circles has 88 characters mentioned at one time or another. Of those 88, there are 22 who play recurring roles. And of those 22, there are 8 who play starring roles. (How do I know all this? Because I scanned through my appendix! 😀) So now you might be wondering how POV plays into this. Of my 88 characters, only 8 are ever featured as lead POV during the course of the entire series. Therefore, the reader gets to know these 8 better than the others and will be less likely to lose track of them.

Past episodes of Book 2 (Do You Believe in Monsters?)

Past episodes of Book 1 (Do You Believe in Magic?)

Promotional notes

I’m more than halfway through the second revision of book 3 titled Do You Believe in Miracles?. It has already shrunk from 130,000 words to 110K. By the time the smoke clears, it will probably end up around 100K. I’m now aiming for an April 21 release, with preorders starting on April 14. My subscribers will be able to preorder the ebook version of book 3 at a special discount. I’ll alert you when the time comes. 😀

The ebook and paperback versions of books 1 and 2 can be purchased at this link.

All told, more than 8,300 copies of books 1 and 2 have been purchased, with an additional 40,000 pages read on Kindle Edition Normalized Pages (KENP). Like all self-published authors, I’m still hoping for more ratings and reviews.

Jim Melvin's Realms of Fantasy

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